Indian Airlines in Turbulence: Ghālib & Shakespeare Navigate the Skies of Chaos

 

Air travel might be soaring in India, but so is the sheer pandemonium at our airports and aboard our airborne chariots. The government is all gung-ho and hyped about getting us airborne, but the airlines? Well, they seem determined to make every flight feel like an audition for a role in a slapstick comedy. Between the turbulence on the tarmac and the chaos in the cabin, you’d think they were filming the sequel to ‘A Comedy of Errors’ at 35,000 feet. Amidst this madness, who better to untangle the mess in our skies than our esteemed connoisseurs of chaos— Ghālib and Shakespeare? These two wordsmiths have seen it all, from the love-struck to the battle-weary, but today they are taking on a new literary diversion: deciphering the curious case of Indian air travel. What follows is a slice of their razor-sharp repartee, complete with news links, pithy heedfulness, and the wit of the ages. Welcome to the excerpts from this enlightened, and at once exalted, tête-à-tête:

 

https://www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/indigo-airline-female-passengers-seats-b2584176.html

 

In the sky-bound realm of IndiGo, where turbulence meets prudence, a new decree emerges: women may now choose not to sit next to men; the aim of the policy is to make women feel more comfortable travelling.

 

Shakespeare: Do I need to rewrite Hamlet? I am now inclined to muse, "To fly or not to fly, that was the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the proximity and the elbows of strange men or to take arms against a sea of manspreading (the practice of  a man travelling on public transport adopting a sitting position with his legs and arms wide apart, in such a way as to encroach on an adjacent seat or seats) and, by opposing, end it.”

 

Ghālib: Kya bakwaas, Billee Barad (What nonsense, Billy the bard) If I cannot sit next to a beauty, why would I fly at all? You go rewrite Humlate (Hamlet) while I hypercorrect my sher:

 

Baitha kiye mah-ruḳhoñ ke liye ham jahaaz meñ

taqrīb kuchh to bahr-e-mulāqāt chāhiye

(mah-ruḳhoñ: moon-faced, jahaaz: aircraft, taqrīb: occasion, bahr-e-mulāqāt: for meeting)

 

https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/news/new-updates/air-india-passenger-arrested-at-delhi-airport-after-refusing-in-flight-food-during-5-hour-flight/articleshow/111800097.cms?from=mdr 

An intrepid passenger who travelled from Dubai, with gold concealed in regions most unmentionable, did steadfastly refuse the crew's kind offerings of sustenance, raised suspicion and was apprehended with the booty.

 

Ghālib:  Needs sympathy too not merely censure, ShaKHs-e-Peer KHabiis (O, mean old man), ye kahāñ kā sonā hai ki jaltā hai badan meñ, rāhat kā naam-o-nishāñ nahīñ safar meñ (What kind of gold burns within the body, leaving no trace of comfort on the journey?). What misfortune, the man's silence spoke louder than words, a testament to the heavy burden he bore! What prejudice!

 

Mujh tak kab un kī bazm meñ aatā thā daur-e-jām

saaqī ne ta.D liyā zar kyuuñ mujh KHaana-KHaraab meñ

(Since when has she started passing me the wine, why did the hostess detect the gold within me?)

 

Shakespeare: Yes, my dervish buddy, what a scene at Delhi airport as a most peculiar tale doth unfold. And that reminds me of the Prince of Morocco from The Merchant of Venice and tweaking what he says a bit, “…All that glisters in one’s backside is not gold—Often have you heard that told. Many a man his life hath sold But my inside to behold.” He that bears the weight of gold, must need decline the cup that cheers. Forsooth, it is an irony most golden!

 

https://www.business-standard.com/companies/news/standby-passenger-boards-indigo-flight-later-deboarded-for-ticket-holder-124052101143_1.html

 

A standby passenger in place of a confirmed ticket holder was able to board an IndiGo flight at the Mumbai airport and was later deboarded before the plane took off.

 

Shakespeare: In the bustling annals of Mumbai airport, another curious tale unfolds. A standby passenger, with all the luck of Bottom the Weaver from A Midsummer Night's Dream, sneaks in and finds himself seated in the coveted cabin of an IndiGo flight. But alas, as the engines begin to hum, an indignant cry from the confirmed passenger arises a la Macbeth, "Out, out, brief candle! Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player That struts and frets his hour upon the stage...”. And then the sudden extinguishing of the passenger's hopes and his short-lived triumph. With an authoritative decree, much like Prospero's command over his tempest, the passenger is escorted off the plane, relegated to the terminal once more. This mishap brings to mind my words from King Lear, "The wheel is come full circle: I am here." as our hapless standby passenger finds himself back where he began.

 

Ghālib: Beat my timeless wisdom and a poignant perspective on the ephemeral nature of events, mere angrez habiib (my English friend):

 

Hazāroñ ḳhvāhisheñ aisī ki har ḳhvāhish pe dam nikle

bahut nikle mire armān lekin phir bhī kam nikle

(Thousands of desires, each worth dying for, many of them have been fulfilled, yet they were not enough.)

 

https://www.thehindu.com/news/national/air-india-deboards-female-passenger-at-delhi-airport-after-argument-with-crew-members/article67923702.ece

 

Air India deboards a female passenger, a senior corporate executive at Delhi airport after argument with crew members.

 

Ghālib: Behtar, dost (Better, friend) Shakku, Air India (AI) may not run its flights properly but it sure knows how to put an arrogant maashuuq (beloved) in her place:

 

Nikalnā ḳhuld se aadam kā sunte aa.e haiñ lekin

bahut be-ābrū ho kar tire kūche se vo nikle

(We have heard of Adam's shame at being bunged out of the garden of Eden but even more disgraceful is the  expulsion of the beloved lady from your alley.)

 

Shakespeare: Well, my desi (Indian) brother, a more concise and poignant reflection on the inglorious exit, modifying the sweet words of Juliet in Romeo and Juliet, “Parting is (not) such sweet sorrow That I shall say get lost till it be morrow.”

 

https://indianexpress.com/article/cities/mumbai/bahrain-bound-flight-diverted-to-mumbai-due-to-unruly-passenger-9368079/

 

A 25-year-old man from Kozhikode flying to Bahrain was arrested by the police for allegedly creating ruckus, manhandling crew members and abusing co-passengers after the flight was diverted to Mumbai.

 

Shakespeare: I recall from within Hamlet’s monologues, "…What a piece of work is a man!..." and clearly, this particular piece of work found himself in quite the apt hand, the Bombay gendarmerie.

 

Ghālib: Billy biraadar (Billy brother), what to comment?

 

Bas-ki dushvār hai har kaam kā āsāñ honā

aadmī ko bhī muyassar nahīñ insāñ honā

(It is difficult for every task to be easy, even for a man, it is not easy to be human.)

 

https://tech.hindustantimes.com/tech/news/indigo-is-giving-free-apple-ipad-to-these-pilots-to-reduce-weight-of-paper-inflight-71723205183282.html

 

Indigo is giving free iPads to its ATR pilots in a bid to reduce the weight of paper. The airline also declared that this digital switch will trim down their carbon footprint although they seem to be more concerned with trimming the fuel bill.

 

Ghālib: Mere bhālā Hilao dost  (my shake a  spear friend), airline papers told all the story but now,  

Karne jaate the us se kaġhaz kā ham gila

Jo dīyā ek iPad ki bas ḳhaak ho ga.e

(We had the option to complain about inadequate papers but they have neutralized us by handing us an iPad.)

Muft iPad be-sabab nahīñ Ghālib

kuchh to hai jis kī parda-dārī hai

(Free iPads have been given with reason, there is something (in papers) which they want to hide.)

 

Shakespeare: Well, Mirza Gilboy, "Is this an iPad which I see before me?..." Macbeth can well ponder. Is Indigo, in its latest act of airborne sorcery, hoping to shed some weight through paper? We already knew that IndiGo's secret to fuel efficiency was enlisting hostesses so light that they saved millions on fuel. But like my Caesar, I would maintain that, “…Yond stewardesses have a lean and hungry look…Such women are dangerous.” And now, they have moved on to trimming paper! If only they trimmed the fares instead. Echoing the Merchant again, "All that glitters is not gold", and in this case, all that is digital is not necessarily green. As those iPads soar, you cannot help but wonder if the pilots might be swiping through the latest bestsellers mid-flight, or porn for that matter, while saving the planet; this while passengers clutch their armrests, praying that the next chapter or the screen on his iPad is not their last.

 

https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/rostering-goof-up-dgca-issues-show-cause-notice-to-air-india/articleshow/111987920.cms

 

AI’s latest folly saw a trainee, fresh-faced and unseasoned, thrust into the cockpit to fly without the right supervision. The DGCA issues show cause notice to AI for a rostering goof up that saw a trainee pilot operate a flight with a captain who was not a trainer for the former’s supervised line flying.

 

Shakespeare: "By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes…" cries the DGCA like the second witch before Macbeth enters. Alas, poor passengers, to find themselves at the mercy of a rookie! Was it a warning from Romeo, about AI in "…O mischief, thou art swift to enter in the thoughts of desperate men.."? But this is no jest, AI, like Touchstone said in As You Like It, is "the fool doth think he is wise…". yet, as I spoke through Falstaff in Henry IV, "to the latter end of a fray and the beginning of a feast," they send the untrained to pilot the skies. Don’t Indian lives matter?

 

Ghālib: Arre dost (Better, friend) Shakku, The irony of a trainee pilot soaring without the right supervision? Just another day in the poetic turbulence of Indian aviation!

 

Rau meñ hai raḳhsh-e-umr kahāñ dekhiye thame

ne haath baag par hai na pā hai rikāb meñ

(The steed of life is in full gallop; who knows where it will stop? Neither the reins are in experienced hands, nor are the feet steady in the stirrups.)

 

https://www.thehindu.com/news/cities/Delhi/spicejet-passengers-allege-flight-made-them-wait-for-an-hour-without-ac-amid-extreme-heat/article68307739.ece

Passengers of a SpiceJet flight from Delhi to Darbhanga 19 were made to wait for more than an hour without air conditioning after boarding in 40 degrees.

 

Ghālib: Baarad-e-Aiwān (bard of Avon), in each life some rain must fall, some heat may descend, but this one?

 

Aatish-e-dozaḳh meñ ye garmī kahāñ

soz-e-ġham-e-Spice-jetani aur hai

(This heat cannot be found even flames of hell, the heat of Spiece Jet’s sorrow is unparalleled)

 

Shakespeare: Sharing their bankruptcy sorrows with the passengers by heating them up or else they break apart, perhaps advised by Malcolm  from Macbeth, “…The grief that does not heat Whispers the o’erfraught heart and bids it break.”

 

https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/chennai/air-india-apologises-after-dmk-mp-pushpanathan-wilson-complaints-of-poor-service/articleshow/112282675.cms

 

Former Additional Solicitor General and DMK MP complains of poor service by AI, highlighting non-functional recliner seat, rickety snack tables and poorly maintained toilets, and absence of blankets. AI issued an apology to Wilson, assuring that they would thoroughly review the concerns mentioned.

 

Shakespeare: Gullible Gaulib, Apologies are merely gilded words; the heart of the matter remains unvarnished. What use is balm to a festering wound, when the rot runs deep and the cure is but a distant dream? The very system is broken, the decay set in long ago and these apologies cause more pain. Pembroke from King John should lecture them, “…And oftentimes excusing of a fault Doth make the fault the worse by the excuse, As patches set upon a little breach Discredit more in hiding of the fault Than did the fault before it was so patch'd.”

Ghālib: Janab-e-Barrad (Mr. Bard), You be gullible, not me. I know, such quick apology but has anything improved at all?

 

Kī  mire qatl ke ba.ad  us  ne  jafā se  tauba

haa.e us zūd-pashīmāñ  kā  pashemāñ  honā

(After slaying they have she has forsworn all persecution and torture. Fie this quick and facile penitence!)

 

https://www.newindianexpress.com/cities/kochi/2024/Aug/11/is-there-a-bomb-in-my-bag-casual-remark-by-passenger-at-cochin-airport-leads-to-his-arrest

 

Is there a bomb in my bag?': Casual remark by Passenger at Cochin airport leads to his arrest.

 

Shakespeare: Oh, my dear chappie Gawleeb, Much ado about nothing, then, no bomb, not even a cracker!

 

Ghālib: Mere Angrez biraadar (My English brother), ignore this news. Suffice to say,

Thī ḳhabar garm ki Ghālib ke uḌeñge purze

dekhne ham bhī ga.e the pa tamāshā na huā

(There was promise of Ghālib getting blown to smithereens and we too went to witness the spectacle too but it turned out to be a damp squib.)

 

https://indianexpress.com/article/cities/pune/pune-airport-man-fake-ticket-travel-father-lucknow-arrested-9509223/

 

Man enters Pune airport with fake ticket to travel along with father to Lucknow, arrested.

 

Shakespeare: Oh master of swagger, Gaulib, This happens only in India. It would be good to employ the theatrics of Falstaff from Henry IV, “…Lord, Lord, how these Indians are given to lying…”

 

Ghālib: O dandimaar angrez (O dishonest Englishman), stop making fun of only Indian airlines, for a change appreciate the shaffaqat (compassion) of a son for his father, whom he would not leave alone at the mercy of the irresponsible airline. Did you not hear of the Norway man who boarded a plane in Germany for two days in a row? And what bankruptcy in American skies! For the nonce, it is time for some strong pick-me-up, so, tarry, goof around till we resume our colloquy in a bit.

 

(to b continued…)

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