Indian Airlines in Turbulence: Ghālib & Shakespeare Navigate the Skies of Chaos
Air
travel might be soaring in India, but so is the sheer pandemonium at our
airports and aboard our airborne chariots. The government is all gung-ho and
hyped about getting us airborne, but the airlines? Well, they seem determined
to make every flight feel like an audition for a role in a slapstick comedy.
Between the turbulence on the tarmac and the chaos in the cabin, you’d think
they were filming the sequel to ‘A Comedy of Errors’ at 35,000 feet. Amidst
this madness, who better to untangle the mess in our skies than our esteemed
connoisseurs of chaos— Ghālib and Shakespeare? These two wordsmiths have seen it
all, from the love-struck to the battle-weary, but today they are taking on a
new literary diversion: deciphering the curious case of Indian air travel. What
follows is a slice of their razor-sharp repartee, complete with news links,
pithy heedfulness, and the wit of the ages. Welcome to the excerpts from this
enlightened, and at once exalted, tête-à-tête:
In the sky-bound realm of IndiGo, where turbulence meets prudence, a new
decree emerges: women may now choose not to sit next to men; the aim of the policy is to make women feel more comfortable
travelling.
Shakespeare: Do I need to rewrite Hamlet? I am now inclined to muse, "To
fly or not to fly, that was the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to
suffer the proximity and the elbows of strange men or to take arms against a
sea of manspreading (the practice of a man
travelling on public transport adopting a sitting position with his legs and
arms wide apart, in such a way as to encroach on an adjacent seat or
seats) and, by opposing, end it.”
Ghālib: Kya bakwaas, Billee
Barad (What nonsense, Billy the bard) If I cannot sit
next to a beauty, why would I fly at all? You go rewrite Humlate (Hamlet)
while I hypercorrect my sher:
Baitha kiye mah-ruḳhoñ ke liye ham jahaaz meñ
taqrīb kuchh to bahr-e-mulāqāt chāhiye
(mah-ruḳhoñ: moon-faced, jahaaz: aircraft, taqrīb: occasion,
bahr-e-mulāqāt: for meeting)
An intrepid passenger who travelled from Dubai, with gold concealed in regions most unmentionable, did steadfastly refuse the crew's kind offerings of sustenance, raised suspicion and was apprehended with the booty.
Ghālib: Needs sympathy too not merely censure, ShaKHs-e-Peer KHabiis (O, mean old man), ye kahāñ kā sonā hai ki jaltā hai badan meñ, rāhat kā naam-o-nishāñ nahīñ safar meñ (What kind of gold burns within the body, leaving no trace of comfort on the journey?). What misfortune, the man's silence spoke louder than words, a testament to the heavy burden he bore! What prejudice!
Mujh tak kab un kī bazm meñ aatā thā daur-e-jām
saaqī ne ta.D liyā zar kyuuñ mujh KHaana-KHaraab meñ
(Since when has she started passing me the wine,
why did the hostess detect the gold within me?)
Shakespeare: Yes, my dervish buddy, what a scene at Delhi airport as a most peculiar tale doth unfold. And
that reminds me of the Prince of Morocco from The Merchant of Venice and
tweaking what he says a bit, “…All that glisters in one’s backside is
not gold—Often have you heard
that told. Many a man his life hath sold But my inside to behold.” He that bears the weight of gold, must
need decline the cup that cheers. Forsooth, it is an irony most golden!
A standby passenger in place of a confirmed ticket holder was
able to board an IndiGo flight at the Mumbai airport and was later deboarded
before the plane took off.
Shakespeare:
In the bustling annals of Mumbai airport, another curious tale unfolds. A
standby passenger, with all the luck of Bottom the Weaver from A Midsummer Night's Dream, sneaks
in and finds himself seated in the coveted cabin of an IndiGo flight. But alas,
as the engines begin to hum, an indignant cry from the confirmed passenger arises
a la Macbeth, "Out, out, brief candle! Life’s but a walking shadow, a
poor player That struts and frets his hour upon the stage...”. And then the sudden extinguishing of the
passenger's hopes and his short-lived triumph. With an authoritative decree,
much like Prospero's command over his tempest, the passenger is escorted
off the plane, relegated to the terminal once more. This mishap brings to mind
my words from King Lear, "The wheel is come full circle: I am
here." as our hapless standby passenger finds himself back where
he began.
Ghālib: Beat my timeless wisdom and a poignant perspective on
the ephemeral nature of events, mere
angrez habiib (my English friend):
Hazāroñ ḳhvāhisheñ
aisī ki har ḳhvāhish pe dam nikle
bahut nikle mire armān lekin phir bhī kam
nikle
(Thousands of desires,
each worth dying for, many of them have been fulfilled, yet they were not
enough.)
Air India deboards a female passenger, a senior corporate executive at Delhi airport after argument with crew
members.
Ghālib: Behtar, dost (Better, friend) Shakku, Air
India (AI) may not run its flights properly but it sure knows how to put an
arrogant maashuuq (beloved) in her
place:
Nikalnā ḳhuld se aadam kā sunte aa.e
haiñ lekin
bahut be-ābrū ho kar tire kūche se vo nikle
(We have heard of Adam's
shame at being bunged out of the garden of Eden but even more disgraceful is the expulsion of the beloved lady from your
alley.)
Shakespeare: Well, my desi (Indian) brother, a more concise and poignant
reflection on the inglorious exit, modifying the sweet words of Juliet in Romeo and
Juliet, “Parting is (not) such sweet sorrow That I shall say get lost till it be
morrow.”
A
25-year-old man from Kozhikode flying to Bahrain was arrested by the police for
allegedly creating ruckus, manhandling crew members and abusing co-passengers
after the flight was diverted to Mumbai.
Shakespeare:
I recall from within Hamlet’s monologues, "…What a piece of work is
a man!..." and clearly, this particular piece of work found
himself in quite the apt hand, the Bombay gendarmerie.
Ghālib: Billy biraadar (Billy brother), what
to comment?
Bas-ki dushvār hai har kaam kā āsāñ honā
aadmī ko bhī muyassar nahīñ insāñ honā
(It is difficult for every task to be easy,
even for a man, it is not easy to be human.)
Indigo is giving free iPads
to its ATR pilots in a bid to reduce the weight of paper. The airline also
declared that this digital switch will trim down their carbon footprint
although they seem to be more concerned with trimming the fuel bill.
Ghālib: Mere bhālā
Hilao
dost (my shake a spear friend), airline papers told all the story but
now,
Karne jaate the us se kaġhaz kā ham gila
Jo dīyā ek iPad ki bas ḳhaak ho ga.e
(We had the option to complain about inadequate papers but they have
neutralized us by handing us an iPad.)
Muft iPad be-sabab nahīñ Ghālib
kuchh to hai jis kī parda-dārī hai
(Free iPads have been given with reason, there is something (in papers)
which they want to hide.)
Shakespeare:
Well, Mirza Gilboy, "Is
this an iPad which I see before me?..." Macbeth can well ponder. Is Indigo,
in its latest act of airborne sorcery, hoping to shed some weight through paper?
We already knew that
IndiGo's secret to fuel efficiency was enlisting hostesses so light that they saved
millions on fuel. But like my Caesar, I would maintain that, “…Yond stewardesses have a lean and
hungry look…Such women are dangerous.” And now, they
have moved on to trimming paper! If only they trimmed the fares instead.
Echoing the Merchant again, "All that glitters is not gold",
and in this case, all that is digital is not necessarily green. As those iPads
soar, you cannot help but wonder if the pilots might be swiping through the
latest bestsellers mid-flight, or porn for that matter, while saving the planet;
this while passengers clutch their armrests, praying that the next chapter or
the screen on his iPad is not their last.
AI’s latest folly saw a
trainee, fresh-faced and unseasoned, thrust into the cockpit to fly without the
right supervision. The DGCA
issues show cause notice to AI for a rostering goof
up that saw a trainee pilot operate a flight with a captain who was
not a trainer for the former’s supervised line flying.
Shakespeare: "By the
pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes…" cries the
DGCA like the second witch before Macbeth enters. Alas, poor passengers, to
find themselves at the mercy of a rookie! Was it a warning from Romeo, about AI
in "…O mischief, thou art swift to enter in the thoughts of
desperate men.."? But this is no jest, AI, like Touchstone said in
As You Like It, is "the fool doth think he is wise…".
yet, as I spoke through Falstaff in Henry IV, "to the latter end of
a fray and the beginning of a feast," they send the untrained to
pilot the skies. Don’t Indian lives matter?
Ghālib: Arre dost (Better, friend) Shakku, The irony of a trainee
pilot soaring without the right supervision? Just another day in the poetic
turbulence of Indian aviation!
Rau meñ hai raḳhsh-e-umr kahāñ dekhiye thame
ne haath baag par hai na pā hai
rikāb meñ
(The steed of life is in
full gallop; who knows where it will stop? Neither the reins are in experienced
hands, nor are the feet steady in the stirrups.)
Passengers of a SpiceJet flight from Delhi to Darbhanga 19 were made to
wait for more than an hour without air conditioning after boarding in 40
degrees.
Ghālib: Baarad-e-Aiwān (bard
of Avon), in each life some
rain must fall, some heat may descend, but this one?
Aatish-e-dozaḳh meñ ye garmī kahāñ
soz-e-ġham-e-Spice-jetani aur hai
(This
heat cannot be found even flames of hell, the heat of Spiece Jet’s sorrow is
unparalleled)
Shakespeare:
Sharing their bankruptcy sorrows with the passengers by heating them up or else
they break apart, perhaps advised by Malcolm
from Macbeth, “…The grief that does not heat Whispers the o’erfraught
heart and bids it break.”
Former Additional Solicitor General and DMK MP complains of poor service by AI, highlighting non-functional recliner seat, rickety snack tables and poorly maintained
toilets, and absence of blankets. AI issued an
apology to Wilson, assuring that they would thoroughly review the concerns
mentioned.
Shakespeare: Gullible
Gaulib, Apologies are merely gilded words; the heart of the
matter remains unvarnished. What use is balm to a festering wound, when the rot
runs deep and the cure is but a distant dream? The very system is broken, the
decay set in long ago and these apologies cause more pain. Pembroke from King
John should lecture them, “…And oftentimes excusing of a fault Doth make the fault
the worse by the excuse, As patches set upon a little breach Discredit more in
hiding of the fault Than did the fault before it was so patch'd.”
Ghālib: Janab-e-Barrad (Mr. Bard), You be gullible, not me.
I know, such quick apology but has anything improved at all?
Kī mire
qatl ke ba.ad us ne jafā se tauba
haa.e us zūd-pashīmāñ kā
pashemāñ honā
(After slaying they have she has
forsworn all persecution and torture. Fie this quick and facile penitence!)
Is there a bomb in my bag?': Casual remark by Passenger at Cochin
airport leads to his arrest.
Shakespeare: Oh, my dear chappie Gawleeb, Much ado about nothing, then, no
bomb, not even a cracker!
Ghālib: Mere Angrez biraadar (My English brother), ignore
this news. Suffice to say,
Thī ḳhabar garm ki Ghālib ke uḌeñge purze
dekhne ham bhī ga.e the pa tamāshā na
huā
(There was promise of Ghālib getting blown to smithereens and
we too went to witness the spectacle too but it turned out to be a damp squib.)
Man enters Pune airport with fake ticket to travel along with father to
Lucknow, arrested.
Shakespeare: Oh master of swagger,
Gaulib, This happens only in India.
It would be good to employ the theatrics of Falstaff from Henry IV, “…Lord,
Lord, how these Indians are given to lying…”
Ghālib: O dandimaar angrez
(O dishonest Englishman), stop making fun of only Indian airlines, for a
change appreciate the shaffaqat (compassion) of a son for his
father, whom he would not leave alone at the mercy of the irresponsible
airline. Did you not hear of the Norway man who boarded a plane in Germany for
two days in a row? And what bankruptcy in American skies! For the nonce, it is
time for some strong pick-me-up, so, tarry, goof around till we resume our
colloquy in a bit.
(to b continued…)
…
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