Train of Thought: Shakespeare and Ghalib's Epic Railways Rumble!

 

The country is abuzz with some sensational news about Indian Railways (IR). These are not just your run-of-the-mill headlines; we are talking happenings of such epic proportions that even the daily soap operas are taking notes. Let us dive into this sublime whirlwind of train tales that could give the Hogwarts Express a run for its Galleons.

 

First up, we have the saga of IR, the pillow dictator.

(Refresh your memory here: https://www.hindustantimes.com/trending/passenger-claims-rail-madad-app-complaint-led-to-train-attendants-salary-cut-reddit-reacts-101719137550268.html)

 

Picture this: a passenger clings to not one but two pillows like they're precious family heirlooms. Meanwhile, another passenger, left counting sheep on a barren mattress, makes a complaint on railmadad portal. The attendant, who was caught in this fluffy crossfire between the pillow-grabber and the pillow-deprived, faced the wrath of the Railway Gods with a salary cut that would make a budget airline blush. The aggrieved passenger, in a twist worthy of a Bollywood script, has since advised everyone to keep their grievances to themselves, lest another unsuspecting railway staff member finds themselves in the next episode of ‘Pillow Wars.’

 

Moving on to more spine-tingling news—quite literally. In an unfortunate incident that could be the plot of a horror movie, a sleeping passenger met his untimely end when the upper berth of his sleeper coach decided to drop by unannounced.

 

(Revisit the tragedy at:

https://www.thehindu.com/news/national/kerala-man-dies-after-upper-berth-falls-on-him-railways-blames-fellow-passenger/article68339599.ece)

 

The IR, in a stroke of genius PR, clarified that the berth wasn't faulty. Instead, it was the careless handiwork of another passenger who failed to properly secure it. As a result, IR is now considering offering a masterclass in "How to Secure Your Sleeper Berth and Not Send Your Fellow Passengers to Heaven," complete with a certificate and a concessional rate. Enroll now and save a life—or at least avoid a lawsuit.

 

Then there's the riveting tale of the rogue train drivers. In a bid to understand why these modern-day cowboys keep breaching speed limits, IR organized a grand pow-wow. The suggestions were as groundbreaking as they were hilarious. For instance, someone suggested that train drivers should be given route charts to prevent them from straying into uncharted territories. Never mind that train routes are set by tracks and not by the whims of the driver. Another gem proposed that guards should remind drivers of impending speed restrictions, because, you know, nothing screams safety like a gentle nudge from the guy at the back of the train.

(Did you catch this: https://www.financialexpress.com/business/railways-why-do-train-drivers-violate-speed-restrictions-railway-board-finds-out-3526287/)

 

And, saving the best for last, we have the announcement of a bullet train between Patna and Delhi. Exciting, right? Except for the minor detail that there is no dedicated bullet train track between the two cities yet. It is like announcing a new Ferrari for your morning commute without actually building a road to drive it on. Or is it that any train that manages to outpace a leisurely cow crossing the tracks is now dubbed a Bullet Train? But hey, it is the thought that counts, right?

(I am sure this one did interest you:

https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/travel/travel-news/indian-railways-to-introduce-a-bullet-train-between-patna-new-delhi-travel-time-to-reduce-by-3-hours/articleshow/111267097.cms)

 

As the cacophony of these absurdities reached a fever pitch, I turned to my esteemed uncles, Shakespeare the Bard and chachā (uncle) Ghālib, for some much-needed wisdom. In a divine moment of literary enlightenment, their conversation shed light on these matters in a poetic way that only they could. I have an impeccable record of eavesdropping on their tête-à-têtes, and although the record is technically a hearsay, here goes my reproduction, verbatim:

 

Shakespeare: Ah, the great hullabaloo of sleepers, berths, and pillows, with people carping and perishing! Speaking of perishing, that sterling chap from Hamlet dissected this whole sleeping-dying affair rather eloquently. To die is to sleep, and by that logic, to sleep is to die. Quite the brain-twister, eh?

 

“…To die, to sleep…by a sleep to say we end

The heartache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to…To die, to sleep.

To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there’s the rub,

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

…There’s the respect That makes calamity of so long life….”

 

A conundrum indeed! It is the ultimate end to all headaches and boo-boos, so why fuss over a mere pillow when you have got a berth? The only snag is the dreaming bit. Do we dream in the sleep of death or the death of sleep? It is enough to make your head spin and pop you back to life with sheer confusion! Alas, you can hardly expect the staid IR to quite tackle this existential pickle. So, sweet dreams, or not—it is all aboard the mystery train!

 

Ghālib: Behtar, mere dost (Better, my friend) Shakku. But why are you laboriously wrapping a simple matter in such second-grade metaphysical mumbo-jumbo? Let me cover the situation in my hyper-corrected couplets:

 

Tā phir na intizār meñ niiñd aa.e berth par

Takiye kā takiyā de ga.e aa.e jo ḳhvāb meñ

(Intizār: waiting, niiñd: sleep, takiye: pillows, takiyā: trust, ḳhvāb: sleep, dream. Once he promised in my dreamy sleep to come with the pillow, I could not sleep any more in waiting.)

 

If you lie lying awake, waiting for someone to bring you a pillow, you will end up dreaming of pillows instead of actually sleeping! To borrow your style, ba.De bhai (big brother) Shekhu, life is transient, here today gone tomorrow, the fault, dear passenger, is not in your stars, but in your quest for takiyā and niiñd placing unjustified takiyā in Bhartiya Rail (IR) and its takiyās and berths.

 

You worry that, Hai ḳhabar garm un ke aane kī, aaj hī train meñ takiyā na huā (the news of their arrival is hot but it is today only that the train has no pillows) whereas you should remember that the one who died, God bless his soul, was perhaps wiser:

 

Trainoñ meñ nahīñ hai farq jiine aur marne kā

usī berth pe sote haiñ jis berth pe dam nikle

(In trains there is no difference between life and death, do know, the very berth on which one sleeps is also where one kicks the bucket.)

 

Shakespeare: Oh my dervish buddy, what a tapestry of IR and dear life. Moving on, what is this about checking on train drivers about their proclivity to overspeed and in the same breath telling them to drive an Amrit Bharat train fast in a make-believe Bullet train between Patna and Delhi? Let me bung Bendick from Much Ado About Nothing at them with a little twist, “I would thy train had the speed of thy tongue and so good a continuer. But keep your way, i' God’s name...’’ and be done with all this balderdash but only after this simple advice: “...better three hours too soon than a minute too late...”,  Ford from The Merry Wives of Windsor was not for IR at all but “Wisely and slow. They stumble that run fast”, Friar Lawrence from Romeo and Juliet, perhaps fits the bill.

 

Ghālib: Oh, ShaKHs-e-Peer KHabiis (O, mean old man), do not be so dismissive. Their passengers from Patna are the problem-makers, not finding a place in ever-reducing general coaches, they go and crowd all reserved coaches. So this sop for them but those marauding passengers know that:

 

Ham ko ma.alūm hai jannat kī haqīqat lekin

dil ke ḳhush rakhne ko Ghālib ye ḳhayāl achchhā hai

(ma.alūm: aware, Jannat: heaven, paradise, haqiqat: reality, ḳhayāl: thought. The reality of paradise although we surely know, but to provide false comfort to our hearts, this thought of yours is not bad.)

 

As for speed, please excuse IR. They are still on the learning curve and occasional grandiose statement is what keeps them from derailing:

 

Chaltā huuñ thoḌī duur har ik tez-rau ke saath

pahchāntā  nahīñ  huuñ  abhī  rāhbar  ko maiñ

(tez-rau: fast speed, rāhbar: guide, leader. Short distances I walk with everyone who moves rapidly, I know not yet the guide or the right path.)

 

But I hope they do not forget that:

 

Sābit huā hai gardan-e-rail pe ḳhūn-e-ḳhalq

larze hai tirī train tirī raftār dekh kar 

(Sābit: proven, ḳhūn-e-ḳhalq: blood of people, larze:  trembling, raftār: speed, conduct. The neck of railways, or railways themselves, are proven to be smeared with the blood of the people and for this reason, out of fear, your train itself, seeing your conduct, trembles.)

 

Enough for the day, Billy urf Bārad qibla (Billie the bard sir), we will meet soon with more some juicy IR news.

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