A petition by IR 'Wiser After Retirement' Officers

 

The Minister of Railways,

Government of India

A petition by IRWAR cadre officers

It is said that once a railway man, always a railway man. We, the members of Indian Railway Wiser After Retirement (IRWAR) cadre have excelled that maxim. We were not much of railway men when we were in service, as we were mostly emblematic members of departmental coteries. But post retirement, we have been bestowed with this great enlightenment that departmentalism is inimical to IR. We have, therefore, formed this unified cadre of IRWAR, with the sole aim of acting as a think tank to devise means, cutting across departmental fault lines, to help put the brakes on the progress of railways and restore its pristine glory of moving at a snail’s pace.

Membership of this cadre is not automatic for the retired officers. Members are selected carefully with following entry conditions to ensure that only the supreme achievers in non-doer and (NK)²D+CH categories, the latter being the acronym of our signature motto, ‘Na karoonga, na karne doonga+Chalta hai’, make the coveted grade:

A prospective member must eat, drink, spit, whoop, burp, belch, reek and emit railways all the time. When in social gatherings of fellow retirees, they must talk of railways and what is wrong with it. They must have an impeccable record of being up-to-date with the postings of DRMs, GMs and Members, haughtily proclaiming which of their chelas are in the list and should always have a ready-made explanation of why someone is precluded in the list.

 

A prospective member must have the distinguished record of having been extremely busy all their working life but without any outcome of value, howsoever insignificant, of any variety. The proof of the pudding, we believe is only in the making, with no particular target of completing the dish, and in any case, not in the eating, which effectively decimates the pudding.

 

A prospective member should have had an unimpeachable history of cribbing about and cursing IR in private forums and conversations while in service, and should be able to show by way of deeds, speeches, intentions and thoughts that they are no less adept at similar malediction and derogation in their retired life. Their tendency to speak the bang opposite in public forums while they were in service, and after retirement too on those insipid platforms where they are still able to secure a pulpit, shall not be a disqualification at all but shall be considered to be a quality of judicious adroitness and therefore an added merit.

 

A prospective member must establish how they were able to bend the rules of IR to arrogate to themselves certain perks and benefits which were otherwise not due in normal course and how they are still shamelessly able to cajole serving officers to afford them such goodies, albeit occasionally.

 

A prospective member must establish, through anecdotal or hearsay evidence, or through some means, which have preeminent recognition in the circles of gossipmongers and flibbertigibbets, that they have spoken in public and private assemblies, the quintessential words, “When I was so and so…”, “As such and such, I…” or “When he worked under me…” etc.

Sir, it is a tragedy that most of us never rose to our peak level of incompetence and our refined talent, as well our acquired skill, of boiling the ocean, or to a quote a desi equivalent, scratching an itching elephant, is being wasted as we while away our time being jobless. We may be superannuated but we would never be a residuary at the altar of the Goddess of Inefficiency. 

Sir, you have shown great sense of purpose and commitment by making IRMS a reality. But the signs are ominous and your drive and thrust suggest that IR may hurtle to its doom by actually starting to complete various far-reaching projects. There is a great risk that the dormant projects like DFCs, Vande Bharat trains, Chenab bridge, HSR and so many others may be taken to fruition, thereby sullying the carefully nurtured image of IR as an epitome of a non-performing organization.

Sir, please heed the words of the bard, who speaks to us in diverse ways, but his most motivating lines are those he had Iago say in Othello, “How poor are they that have not patience!...” or Norfolk in Henry VIII, “...To climb steep hills requires a slow pace at first...”. We might not have completed anything in our serving lives, but patience we have aplenty and we may never climb a hill but we will sure maintain a slow pace.

Sir, our own chāchā Ghālib has covered the situation well:

Aashiqī  sabr-talab aur  tamannā  betāb

dil kā kyā rañg karūñ ḳhūn-e-jigar hote tak

(Aashiqī: state of being in love or courtship, sabr-talab: desiring patience tamannā; wish, longing, betāb: restless, impatient. Love seeks patience but desires remain impatient, how long can I sustain with this pain, till my heart withers away?) As I said, we are endowed with patience in abundance, even in the face of total inaction, and so we fit the bill to stall the breakneck progress that is in the offing.

And so has the poet Faiz forewarned us:

Jo ruke to koh-e-girāñ the ham jo chale to jaañ se guzar ga.e

rah-e-yār ham ne qadam qadam tujhe yādgār banā diyā

(koh-e-girāñ: huge mountain, rah-e-yār: path of lover, qadam: step, yādgār: memorial. When I was standstill, I was like a huge mountain but when I moved, it was so fast that I gave up my life.) Trust us IRWAR members to bring IR to its long-standing bequest of being near standstill again.

It is time to execute a course correction and engage our services, reposing faith in our newfangled sagacity, affording us the opportunity to contribute variously to put IR back on the proven path of ineptitude and incompetence. It would be a shame if decades of our experience in abstaining, refraining, avoiding, desisting, abdicating, diverting, withholding, omitting and forsaking is not utilized, and passed on to the serving officers, who unfortunately have been galvanized to act and achieve, to help restore IR to its prior majesty of the pole position among absolute washouts.

 

(-Sd-)

Authorized signatory of IRWAR